Crystal Hefner Explains ‘Tacky’ Playboy Mansion’s ‘Hoarder’ Conditions

Crystal Hefner, the widow of Playboy mastermind Hugh Hefner, disclosed some unpleasant details about Hef’s storied Playboy Mansion with People. Crystal has recently made headlines for her new memoir, Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself, which contains more than a few unflattering anecdotes about her ex-husband. Hefner died in 2018 at the age of 91.

In her book, Crystal takes aim at the “tacky” Playboy Mansion’s poor hygiene. “It was like a time capsule from the ‘70s,” she wrote of the legendary manse. “Like Hef had pushed pause at the height of his heyday and never unfrozen it.”

Crystal was initially thrilled to live in the mansion, as it reminded her of her family’s home back in England and was located on a rambling 5.3 acres just a short distance from downtown L.A. But she quickly began to notice cracks in the facade.

“Over time, I saw that this place doesn’t really get cleaned that well and there’s mold,” she recalled. “It just felt rundown and gross after a while.”

She added: “Everything was moldy and dusty and it was just hoarder central in the mansion.”

The elements of the estate which might seem most exciting to visitors were, for Crystal, purely horrific. There were the “game rooms,” adorned with copious boxes of tissues in the so-called “lust pits,” which made the home feel like a den of ill-repute.

“I went in there a lot. I was always afraid to touch too many things in there because it was always open during the parties,” she told People. “I have no idea what happens in there.”

Worst of all, though, was the mansion’s fabled zoo, which boasts exotic creatures like monkeys, African cranes, cockatoos, doves, parrots, peacocks, and toucans. Contained to cages for most of their lives, Crystal recalled hearing the animals’ horrifying calls, which she likened to dying cats or women screaming in pain, from her bedroom window at all hours of the day.

“Even with the window shut, I could hear their plaintive voices in my mind,” she wrote in her book. “’Help, help,’ they cawed and wailed. At least that’s what it sounded like to me.”

The microcosm for the entire Playboy Mansion experience, Crystal wrote, were the two lovebirds Hef kept caged in their bedroom. Because of their living conditions, the two birds kept dying and would have to be replaced by new ones. “It was all an illusion,” Crystal recalled, just like the fake Picasso and Jackson Pollock pictures adorning the walls, which Hef tried to pass off as real.

“It was breaking down my health. The house was literally making me sick,” Crystal wrote. “I don’t even know if I was ever happy there, to be honest.”